Tuesday, October 13, 2009

It’s that time of the year, so it’s not my fault!

Ghosts, goblins and bumps in the night. Yes, it’s that time of the year again when scary things happen…. Everything that can go wrong will go wrong and the month isn’t even half over!

The only good thing that can be said for this October is there is not a Friday the 13th! The last time that happened, I woke up to a flat tire on my car. That, in itself isn’t so bad, however, I had just purchased a can of Fix-a-Flat the night before. But, I woke up an hour later than usual – through no fault of my own of course. Someone or something had reset my alarm clock during the night!

You see, there is this ghost, or poltergeist, a troll, a goblin or some other supernatural creature that seems to follow me where ever I live. This entity, creature or critter always manages to create problems for me when I least need them.

Even when I’m not at home this “being” follows and taunts me. For example, when I’m out shopping at “Wally World” (my dear little boy coined that phrase when he was two years old – he confused Wal-Mart with Disney World as he thought all toys and games were made by Mickey and Goofy. (Sometimes I even thought he was made by Mickey and Goofy) and since then everyone else has just followed his lead) this little voice begins whispering in my ear, “Buy chocolate, buy chocolate, buy chocolate,” over and over and over.

I’ve even stopped and looked around, staring at shoppers all around me and then thoroughly embarrassed myself by asking if they were speaking to me. Their faces looking at me with blank stares slowly morphing into a “she’s weird” look as they shake their heads and continue pushing their grocery carts.

And, of course there is all that “trick or treat” candy on the shelves. Shelves and shelves of vibrantly colored, orange, black, red, umber and gold packages of Halloween candy tempting me. My will power is bad enough as it is – I don’t need any assistance thank you very much.

But, then someone…. Or should I say some THING forces my hands and arms toward the shelves… I am not in control … those hands reach out and grab two, three … no wait… FOUR bags of Halloween candy and put them in my grocery cart. “Hey,” my mind shouts, “This is not fair!”

It’s not until I get home and begin unloading my groceries that I realize I bought two bags of Brach’s Bridge Mix as well and one of them is empty! I look at my hands and there are the remains of chocolate crèmes, chocolate covered almonds and chocolate covered raisons all over them! This is a really evil little demon!

Generally, throughout the year, this evil little critter manages to leave me alone … for the most part… unless he’s putting rocks the size of footballs in the middle of the freeway for me to run over with my car while I’m dressed in rodeo clown attire, but I digress and that’s another story!

But when it comes to the month of October and the week of Halloween, my life suddenly begins an intimate relationship with Murphy’s Law.

Take the other night for example. My telephone rang, usually my BFF calling to check on me, or it’s a general sales call for an unknown and unwanted product (I have got to remember to put my name on the Do-Not-Call Register – but then it would be awfully quiet around here).

Anyway, I answered this particular call even though I didn’t recognize the number. A strong, husky, yet smooth male voice was on the other end asking me out to dinner and dancing. I immediately began sorting – in my mind – through my closet for the appropriate outfit and shoes to wear for this glorious evening out as the male voice continued discussing the dinner plans.

My mind was racing away to an evening of enchantment when it came to a screeching halt. What did he just say? Wait, that’s not my name. Why did he call me by another name?

I quickly and very diplomatically reminded him of whom he was speaking. “What?” said the prince quickly losing his charm, “Oh my! I have the wrong number – you’re not my fiancé!

Well, there you have it – a perfectly good evening down the drain because some guy punched the wrong buttons. I do wonder though if we couldn’t have worked something out?

Nope, Murphy has nothing on me at this time of the year. I had to buy five pairs of panty hose last week. And I gotta tell you… I absolutely hate those things – you do know they were invented by a man – a “man” also invented the girdle (thank God we no longer have to wear those) and the brassiere. Anything and everything to hold us back, push us up or rein us in!

So the first pair got torn when I ran into an open drawer… again, not my fault, my little demon was working his tail off. The second pair I snagged with a broken fingernail. Time to get a manicure!

The third and fourth pairs were both attacked (one at a time) by my sweet, but elderly cat, Sweet Pea. She loves to grab at my legs when I’m leaving the house. I think she thinks she can hold me and keep me from leaving…. I’m taking away her “lap.”

This week, the light bulbs in the bathroom upstairs, the kitchen downstairs and the loft/den all decided to go out at the same time. I climbed on the bathroom cabinet to put a new bulb in the socket and lost my balance, poked a hole in the wall with my foot and broke the towel rack as I tried to stop my fall.

Try explaining to the landlord how you managed to put a hole in wall above the commode!

I don’t know what’s in store for the rest of the month, I can only hope that my little demon, that little creature/critter/devil stops with the chocolate.

But then, next month is Thanksgiving with such tantalizing goodies in the stores like pumpkin pie, sweet potatoes with marshmallows and chocolate turkeys! Then there is the really dangerous month of December – chocolate Santas, chocolate reindeer, chocolate pie, chocolate cake - followed by New Years Eve with food, chocolate and more chocolate everywhere! Need I say more?

I think I need an exorcist!


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