Do you know that roaches can live for a week without their heads? Do you know they can run three miles an hour? And do you realize there are 5,000 species of roaches?Well, I know one thing for sure; they all came to my house when the other condos in my complex were sprayed during the annual insect inspection.
And those bugs are smart -- they know just where to go and who’s not using their pantry.
The last time I had any real need to open the pantry was when I dropped a malted milk ball and it rolled under the door.
It was my last one and I don’t believe in wasting good chocolate.
Anyway, this is the week my townhouse is supposed to be de-bugged. That means taking everything out of the cabinets – dishes, pots, pans, food – everything!
Unfortunately, this is one job I now have to do all by myself. At least when my son and his friends were around I never had to clean the pantry. I’m talking two legged garbage disposals here. They could literally devour the complete contents of my pantry in 12 seconds flat.
During the "cleaning out," I found four boxes of partially eaten cereal – each with a different expiration date – all prior to 2001. I think they were supposed to be eater prior to the new century!
Anyway, since I had to empty the cabinets, I figured this was as good a time as any to finally get rid of all those mismatched, chipped and cracked dishes, most of which look like they went through several wars.
Considering the fact they lasted through my marriage, my two kids and all the stray kids they brought home, I’d say they lasted a long, long, long time.
I started with the cups and glasses shelf and found a mug, way in the back, which read “I hate housework.” I’m leaving it on my countertop for future reference.
It had been ages since I’d seen some of those dishes. I’m not even sure where they came from.
I found an old yellow Tupperware bowl that must have had spaghetti in it at one time. I could tell because the yellow was a deeper shade of orange near the bottom.
It was all dented and bent and I kind of looked at it for a minute wondering why on earth -- and then I remembered – back in 1987 or ‘88 one of my daughter’s friends brought it over with her lunch in it -- the day her horse fell in our pool. But that’s another story.
Finally, after all my reminiscing, I got all those dishes pulled off the shelves and out of the cabinets so the exterminators could do their job.
And just because the bugs weren’t running around while I was cleaning, doesn’t mean I couldn’t tell they had been there.
They left little trails of black dots all over the shelves and the only way to remove those dots off is to sand down the wood and repaint it.
And yet, it doesn’t matter how many times you paint over those little speckles, the darn things come right back up through the new coat of paint.
I don’t even know why we try to exterminate these bugs.
You know what I think? I think they’re supernatural.
It’s just like plucking out a gray hair, if you pluck one ten grow back in its place. And it’s the same thing with roaches. Kill one of ‘em and a 100 more appear just for revenge.
They’re the only living creatures to survive through all seven cratonic stages -- they even outlived the dinosaurs. In fact, some female roaches mate once and are pregnant for the rest of their lives.
Maybe that’s where all those little black spots came from. Mama roaches dropping babies everywhere!
When I finally finished cleaning out the pantry and cabinets, I ended up with two trash bags full of mismatched, chipped, cracked and broken dishes.
I even threw away all those little sample envelopes that you get in the mail. I think I must have had about two hundred of them. Also gone are the half-empty boxes of cereal, crackers and croutons.
Putting things back after the exterminators finished was a lot easier than I thought it would be – all I had left were four plates, two bowls, six glasses, a couple pots and pans, three cans of soup and NO BUGS.
Next week I think I’ll clean out my refrigerator, well maybe I’ll do the closets first. No, on second thought I think I’ll just go out of town!
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